1 Ξα.Εἴπω τι τῶν εἰωθότων, ὦ δέσποτα,

ἐφ' οἷς ἀεὶ γελῶσιν οἱ θεώμενοι;

XanthiasNow am I to make one of those jokes that have the knack of always making the spectators laugh?

Δι.Νὴ τὸν Δί' ὅ τι βούλει γε, πλὴν «Πιέζομαι.»

Τοῦτο δὲ φύλαξαι· πάνυ γάρ ἐστ' ἤδη χολή.

DionysusAye, certainly, any one you like, excepting "I am worn out." Take care you don't say that, for it gets on my nerves.

5 Ξα.Μηδ' ἕτερον ἀστεῖόν τι;

XanthiasDo you want some other drollery?

DionysusYes, only not, "I am quite broken up."

Ξα.Τί δαί; Τὸ πάνυ γέλοιον εἴπω;

XanthiasThen what witty thing shall I say?

θαρρῶν γε· μόνον ἐκεῖν' ὅπως μὴ 'ρεῖς—

DionysusCome, take courage; only ...

XanthiasOnly what?

Δι.μεταβαλλόμενος τἀνάφορον ὅτι χεζητιᾷς.

Dionysus... don't start saying as you shift your package from shoulder to shoulder, "Ah! that's a relief!"

Ξα.Μηδ' ὅτι τοσοῦτον ἄχθος ἐπ' ἐμαυτῷ φέρων,

10 εἰ μὴ καθαιρήσει τις, ἀποπαρδήσομαι;

XanthiasMay I not at least say, that unless I am relieved of this cursed load I shall let wind?

Δι.Μὴ δῆθ', ἱκετεύω, πλήν γ' ὅταν μέλλω 'ξεμεῖν.

DionysusOh! for pity's sake, no! you don't want to make me spew.

Ξα.Τί δῆτ' ἔδει με ταῦτα τὰ σκεύη φέρειν,

εἴπερ ποήσω μηδὲν ὧνπερ Φρυνίχοις

εἴωθε ποιεῖν καὶ Λύκισι κἀμειψίαις

15 σκεύη φέρουσ' ἑκάστοτ' ἐν κωμῳδίᾳ;

XanthiasWhat need then had I to take this luggage, if I must not copy the porters that Phrynichus, Lycis and Amipsias never fail to put on the stage?

Δι.Μή νυν ποήσῃς· ὡς ἐγὼ θεώμενος,

ὅταν τι τούτων τῶν σοφισμάτων ἴδω,

πλεῖν ἢ 'νιαυτῷ πρεσβύτερος ἀπέρχομαι.

DionysusDo nothing of the kind. Whenever I chance to see one of these stage tricks, I always leave the theatre feeling a good year older.

Ξα.Ὦ τρισκακοδαίμων ἄρ' ὁ τράχηλος οὑτοσί,

20 ὅτι θλίβεται μέν, τὸ δὲ γέλοιον οὐκ ἐρεῖ.

XanthiasOh! my poor back! you are broken and I am not allowed to make a single joke.

Δι.Εἶτ' οὐχ ὕβρις ταῦτ' ἐστὶ καὶ πολλὴ τρυφή,

ὅτ' ἐγὼ μὲν ὢν Διόνυσος, υἱὸς Σταμνίου,

αὐτὸς βαδίζω καὶ πονῶ, τοῦτον δ' ὀχῶ,

ἵνα μὴ ταλαιπωροῖτο μηδ' ἄχθος φέροι;

DionysusJust mark the insolence of this Sybarite! I, Dionysus, the son of a ... wine-jar, I walk, I tire myself, and I set yonder rascal upon an ass, that he may not have the burden of carrying his load.

25 Ξα.Οὐ γὰρ φέρω 'γώ;

XanthiasBut am I not carrying it?

DionysusNo, since you are on your beast.

Ξα.Φέρων γε ταυτί.

XanthiasNevertheless I am carrying this....

DionysusWhat?

Xanthias... and it is very heavy.

Δι.Οὔκουν τὸ βάρος τοῦθ' ὃ σὺ φέρεις ὄνος φέρει;

DionysusBut this burden you carry is borne by the ass.

Ξα.Οὐ δῆθ' ὅ γ' ἔχω 'γὼ καὶ φέρω, μὰ τὸν Δί' οὔ.

XanthiasWhat I have here, 'tis certainly I who bear it, and not the ass, no, by all the gods, most certainly not!

Δι.Πῶς γὰρ φέρεις, ὅς γ' αὐτὸς ὑφ' ἑτέρου φέρει;

DionysusHow can you claim to be carrying it, when you are carried?

30 Ξα.Οὐκ οἶδ'· ὁ δ' ὦμος οὑτοσὶ πιέζεται.

XanthiasThat I can't say; but this shoulder is broken, anyhow.

Δι.Σὺ δ' οὖν ἐπειδὴ τὸν ὄνον οὐ φῄς σ' ὠφελεῖν,

ἐν τῷ μέρει σὺ τὸν ὄνον ἀράμενος φέρε.

DionysusWell then, since you say that the ass is no good to you, pick her up in your turn and carry her.

Ξα.Οἴμοι κακοδαίμων· τί γὰρ ἐγὼ οὐκ ἐναυμάχουν;

Ἦ τἄν σε κωκύειν ἂν ἐκέλευον μακρά.

XanthiasWhat a pity I did not fight at sea; I would baste your ribs for that joke.

35 Δι.Κατάβα, πανοῦργε. Καὶ γὰρ ἐγγὺς τῆς θύρας

ἤδη βαδίζων εἰμὶ τῆσδ', οἷ πρῶτά με

ἔδει τραπέσθαι. Παιδίον, παῖ, ἠμί, παῖ.

DionysusDismount, you clown! Here is a door, at which I want to make my first stop. Hi! slave! hi! hi! slave!

Ηρ.Τίς τὴν θύραν ἐπάταξεν; Ὡς κενταυρικῶς

ἐνήλαθ' ὅστις. Εἰπέ μοι, τουτὶ τί ἦν;

Heracles(from inside the Temple) Do you want to beat in the door? He knocks like a Centaur. Why, what's the matter?

40 Δι.Ὁ παῖς.

DionysusXanthias!

XanthiasWell?

DionysusDid you notice?

XanthiasWhat?

Δι.Ὡς σφόδρα μ' ἔδεισε.

DionysusHow I frightened him?

XanthiasBah! you're mad!

Ηρ.Οὔ τοι μὰ τὴν Δήμητρα δύναμαι μὴ γελᾶν.

Καίτοι δάκνω γ' ἐμαυτόν· ἀλλ' ὅμως γελῶ.

HeraclesHo, by Demeter! I cannot help laughing; it's no use biting my lips, I must laugh.

Δι.Ὦ δαιμόνιε, πρόσελθε· δέομαι γάρ τί σου.

DionysusCome out, friend; I have need of you.

45 Ηρ.Ἀλλ' οὐχ οἷός τ' εἴμ' ἀποσοβῆσαι τὸν γέλων

ὁρῶν λεοντῆν ἐπὶ κροκωτῷ κειμένην.

Τίς ὁ νοῦς; Τί κόθορνος καὶ ῥόπαλον ξυνηλθέτην;

Ποῖ γῆς ἀπεδήμεις;

HeraclesOh! 'tis enough to make a fellow hold his sides to see this lion's-skin over a saffron robe! What does this mean? Buskins and a bludgeon! What connection have they? Where are you off to in this rig?

DionysusWhen I went aboard Clisthenes....

Ηρ.Κἀναυμάχησας;

HeraclesDid you fight?

50 τῶν πολεμίων ἢ δώδεκ' ἢ τρεισκαίδεκα.

DionysusWe sank twelve or thirteen ships of the enemy.

Ηρ.Σφώ;

HeraclesYou?

DionysusAye, by Apollo!

HeraclesYou have dreamt it.

Δι.Καὶ δῆτ' ἐπὶ τῆς νεὼς ἀναγιγνώσκοντί μοι

τὴν Ἀνδρομέδαν πρὸς ἐμαυτὸν ἐξαίφνης πόθος

τὴν καρδίαν ἐπάταξε πῶς οἴει σφόδρα.

DionysusAs I was reading the 'Andromeda' on the ship, I suddenly felt my heart afire with a wish so violent....

55 Ηρ.Πόθος; πόσος τις;

HeraclesA wish! of what nature?

DionysusOh, quite small, like Molon.

Ηρ.Γυναικός;

HeraclesYou wished for a woman?

DionysusNo.

HeraclesA young boy, then?

DionysusNothing of the kind.

Ηρ.Ἀλλ' ἀνδρός;

HeraclesA man?

DionysusFaugh!

HeraclesMight you then have had dealings with Clisthenes?

Δι.Μὴ σκῶπτέ μ', ὦδέλφ'· οὐ γὰρ ἀλλ' ἔχω κακῶς·

τοιοῦτος ἵμερός με διαλυμαίνεται.

DionysusHave mercy, brother; no mockery! I am quite ill, so greatly does my desire torment me!

60 Ηρ.Ποῖός τις, ὦδελφίδιον;

HeraclesAnd what desire is it, little brother?

Ὅμως γε μέντοι σοι δι' αἰνιγμῶν ἐρῶ.

Ἤδη ποτ' ἐπεθύμησας ἐξαίφνης ἔτνους;

DionysusI cannot disclose it, but I will convey it to you by hints. Have you ever been suddenly seized with a desire for pea-soup?

Aristophanes, Frogs — Greek text with English translation